so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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