Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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