He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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