Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
