i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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