I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
