My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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