I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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