Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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