this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
