Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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