also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
