she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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