Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
