we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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