So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
