I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
