Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
