What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
