Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
