if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
