Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Four minutes until I can fart!
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
