I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
