Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
