Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
