I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
