my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
