I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
People in love make me want to vomit
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
