i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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