apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
