btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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