ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
