I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
