I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
