I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
