Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
