I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This house was built for laser tag.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
