We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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