The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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