You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
