Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
