one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
