I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
