Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
