My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so let's talk penis.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
