Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
