you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
