I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
