I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
