Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
