you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
